Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.

I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right loudly.

Exercise? I thought you said 'extra fries.'

I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying.

My bed and I have a special relationship. We're perfect for each other. But my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

I don't need Google, my wife knows everything.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.

They say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.