Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror.

I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me vacation ads.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said '40.'

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

My Wi-Fi is faster than my motivation.

I'm not ignoring you — I'm just on emotional buffering mode.