Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.

Nothing travels faster than light except your aunt sharing an unverified health article on Facebook.

Marketplace listing: Slightly haunted dresser, $40 OBO. No lowballers, I know what I have.

My mom tags me in every post about vitamins and healthy eating like I asked for a nutritionist.

If stress burned calories, I'd be a supermodel by now.

I got 47 happy birthday posts on Facebook and zero actual phone calls. Living the dream.

I don't have a bad memory. I just remember things differently than they happened.

Posting a status so my relatives know I'm alive without having to call them.

I always arrive late to the office but I make up for it by leaving early.

I share my opinions on Facebook because yelling into the void at home doesn't get enough engagement.