Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
Cost me an arm and a leg.

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life. It's an oughtobiography.

Just between you and me, I think "everything" bagels are making a lot of promises they can't keep.

Egg salad is still chicken salad when you think about it.

Whoever determined a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.

Some people think I am going crazy. The joke is on them. I went there years ago, fell in love with the place and decided to stay.