Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep. It's called Insom-nom-nom-nom-nia.

Sometimes I go hours without drinking coffee. It's called sleeping.

TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.

Whoever determined a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.

If you can't laugh at your own problems, call me. I'll laugh at them.

I'd call you a tool, but even they serve a purpose.