Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Breaking News: Man faints on luggage carousel at Glasgow Airport. He is slowly coming round.

The inventor of the heat index has died.
He was 88, but felt like 107.

I ran out of toilet paper, so I started using the newspaper. The Times are rough.

My goal in life is to have a Wikipedia page written about me. Maybe just a newspaper article. Ok, I'd accept a journal entry.

My doctor told me I’m going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear...

A man has died after falling into a vat of coffee. It was instant.