Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I don't procrastinate. I delegate tasks to my future self.

If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right?

They really need to stock ATMs better. I went to 4 of them today and they all said "insufficient funds."

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

We never really grow up. We only learn how to act in public.

Whoever determined a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.