Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life. It's an oughtobiography.

Some people think I am going crazy. The joke is on them. I went there years ago, fell in love with the place and decided to stay.

Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying me.

If you think things can't get worse, it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

I have a five-year plan: figure out a plan in five years.

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds really fun if you don't know what either of those two things are.