Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I ran out of toilet paper, so I started using the newspaper. The Times are rough.

I caught my wife cheating last night. Last time I play cards with her.

Some people think I am going crazy. The joke is on them. I went there years ago, fell in love with the place and decided to stay.

I get carried away sometimes... usually because I refuse to leave.

I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I'll forget the brownies in the oven.