Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

My boss said "You are late to work for the third time this week. Do you know what that means?" "It's Wednesday?", I replied.

After a short conversation, someone asked me if I was a nerd.
I said I preferred the term "smarter than you".

When I was skinnier, I had a shirt that said I could talk to dead people. I can't wear it anymore because I'm no longer a medium.

I ran out of toilet paper, so I started using the newspaper. The Times are rough.

I caught my wife cheating last night. Last time I play cards with her.

I asked a flight attendant how often planes crash. She said "usually just once"