Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I hate when homeless people shake their cup of coins at me. It's like yeah, I know you have more money than me — no need to rub it in.

My coworkers accused me of having OCD, I immediately put them all in their place...

Due to recent budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Whoever determined a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.

I really wish there was some kind of signal drivers could use on their car to notify other drivers that they're turning.

Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called wedding cake.