Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I made a huge to-do list today. I just need to figure out who's going to do it.

Advice needs a good listener.

I don't need a hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I hate when homeless people shake their cup of coins at me. It's like yeah, I know you have more money than me — no need to rub it in.

People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

My friend was changing a flat tire when the car fell on his foot. Now he needs a tow.