Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Embracing the chaos, mostly because the calm was charging a cover fee

It is almost time to switch from your regular anxiety
to your fancy Christmas anxiety.

When they call my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.

If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you're on the air.", most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

Most bald people still own a comb. They just can't part with it.

The doctor says my cholesterol count is so high that I can't even say "cheese" when I get my picture taken.