Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I wouldn't say you're stupid. You are, but I wouldn't say it.

I bought a bottle of shampoo which promised to increase volume. I poured some in my ear and if anything, it did the opposite.

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd probably come in fourth so I wouldn't need to walk up to the podium.

I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.

I wanted to give my Uber driver advice instead of cash,
but that wouldn't be fare.

Today I bought a toilet brush. Long story short, I'm going back to paper.