Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

My bed and I have a special relationship. We're perfect for each other. But my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, "What if these two socks don't even like each other?"

Teacher: I have 5 bottles in one hand and 4 in the other. What do I have in total?
Student: A drinking problem.

I used to wonder what it would be like to read other people's minds. Then I got Facebook.

People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?
l asked my 12 brothers and sisters, but they don't know either.