Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I don't always tell dad jokes. But when I do, he listens

When they call my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.

Struggling to get your wife's attention? Just sit down and look comfortable.

The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list.

Listen... "8 glasses a day" is a just scare tactic used by Big Water to keep us all dependent.

Doctor: "I'd like to talk to you about your weight." Me: "Well, it was 25 minutes, but at least the chairs were comfortable."