Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I know I don't have to be sarcastic, but the world has given me so much material to work with. I would hate to be wasteful.

I wanted to give my Uber driver advice instead of cash,
but that wouldn't be fare.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.

I wouldn't say you're stupid. You are, but I wouldn't say it.

What's the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.