Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I'm not clumsy. The floor just hates me, the tables are bullies, and the wall gets in my way.

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially because his name is Steve.

I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe...
I don’t care how big a spider is, no-one steals my shoe!