Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they're likely to cause.

Apparently I've been doing this "coffee" thing wrong. It wakes you up way faster if you accidentally knock it over into your lap.

Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

I hate it when revolving doors move too fast. It's a real pane in the butt.

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster in water. This means the bicycle is your only chance at beating a hippo in a triathlon.