Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I am not always punny and sarcastic. I do sleep sometimes.

I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.

I have always been suspicious of Wendy's hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

Sometimes I get road rage walking behind people in the grocery store.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I always make full eye contact when placing the stick that separates our groceries.