Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Remember -- it may be illegal to text and drive... but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50 km/h.

I always make full eye contact when placing the stick that separates our groceries.

Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

Just between you and me, I think "everything" bagels are making a lot of promises they can't keep.

God created the world. Everything else is made in China.