Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Cops just left. They said if I am going to walk around my house naked, I am going have to do it inside.

She left a note on the fridge saying "This isn't working, goodbye". I opened it and it works just fine.

After a short conversation, someone asked me if I was a nerd.
I said I preferred the term "smarter than you".

Leftovers are for quitters.

When I was skinnier, I had a shirt that said I could talk to dead people. I can't wear it anymore because I'm no longer a medium.

I asked a flight attendant how often planes crash. She said "usually just once"