Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life. It's an oughtobiography.

I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day. To be discovered.

Whoever determined a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.

You should use glasses to do math. It improves division

Apple and Blackberry should team up to make a phone called The Pie.

A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten."