Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I once lived a stones throw away from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries.

I once had an argument with a pen. It came to a draw.

I live by my own rules... that my wife has reviewed, revised and then approved. BUT STILL MY OWN RULES!!!!

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster in water. This means the bicycle is your only chance at beating a hippo in a triathlon.

I am pretty sure I only need one more bad decision and I will have a whole set.

I asked a flight attendant how often planes crash. She said "usually just once"