Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant because I believe in myself.

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do, it's because I've missed my exit.

Its okay password, I'm insecure too.

Leftovers are for quitters.

When I was skinnier, I had a shirt that said I could talk to dead people. I can't wear it anymore because I'm no longer a medium.

I caught my wife cheating last night. Last time I play cards with her.