Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

If something's not going right, try left.

That awkward moment when a Zombie is looking for brains and it walks right past you...

If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right?

I'm mature, but not mature-mature. For example I still use "righty tighty, lefty loosey" to figure shit out.

Used to sleep in one position for hours. Now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Doctor: "I'd like to talk to you about your weight." Me: "Well, it was 25 minutes, but at least the chairs were comfortable."