Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Advice needs a good listener.

I hate when homeless people shake their cup of coins at me. It's like yeah, I know you have more money than me — no need to rub it in.

People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

My friend was changing a flat tire when the car fell on his foot. Now he needs a tow.

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd probably come in fourth so I wouldn't need to walk up to the podium.

"Just be yourself". Ok, well I did and now everyone is scared and I need a lawyer.