Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don’t want to talk.

I really want to start a new diet, but I've got too much on my plate right now.

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

Want to hear a construction joke? I'm still working on it.

I'd tell you to go to hell but I work there and don't want to see you every day.

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don't want to look like a dork.