Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, and if that doesn't work out, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

I picked up a book about a car, it's an auto biography

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

My sarcasm only gets me in trouble when my brain-to-mouth filter is malfunctioning.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

I hate it when I'm singing a song, and the artist gets the words wrong.