Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

My pipe dream was to become a plumber. Unfortunately, that went down the drain.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

You couldn't handle five minutes in my head.

My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.

I accidentally downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar app on my phone. Now my battery keeps draining.

Anything is possible when you don't know what you’re talking about.