Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

How important do you have to be before you're considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Apparently I've been doing this "coffee" thing wrong. It wakes you up way faster if you accidentally knock it over into your lap.

I kinda wish Dolly Parton sang 10 to 2 instead.

Instead of calling it a "to do" list I've started writing "side quests" at the top to make it seem more fun.

I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of just crazy.

I wanted to give my Uber driver advice instead of cash,
but that wouldn't be fare.