Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.

I know I don't have to be sarcastic, but the world has given me so much material to work with. I would hate to be wasteful.

What do solids, liquids and gases have in common? They all matter.

I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker.