Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Doctor: "I'd like to talk to you about your weight." Me: "Well, it was 25 minutes, but at least the chairs were comfortable."

A clean house is a sign of a wasted life. At least, that's what I tell myself.

A sprinter was shot with a starter's pistol yesterday. Police say it's race related.

A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten."

Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least

I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous.