Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Afraid of not getting what you ordered with online shopping? Try online dating!

I sent that 'Ancestry' site some info on my family tree. They sent me back a pack of seeds and suggested that I just start over.

It's sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs.

Someone has been stealing the wheels of police cars. Police are working tirelessly to catch them.

I ran out of toilet paper, so I started using the newspaper. The Times are rough.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes – and six months later you have to start all over again.