Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant because I believe in myself.

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do, it's because I've missed my exit.

When I was skinnier, I had a shirt that said I could talk to dead people. I can't wear it anymore because I'm no longer a medium.

My body just asked for water and I gave it a mini donut because nobody tells me what to do.

The early bird can have the worm because worms are gross and mornings are stupid.

If you think things can't get worse, it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.