Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Every Monday I enter the office like a hostage returning to captivity.

Everyone I know is a 'snack getting stuck in a vending machine' away from total collapse.

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.

I always second guess myself at a checkout line when the cashier asks "did you find everything?". Why are you hiding stuff?

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

I don't need a hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.