Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn't have done this to me."

Someone stole my coffee cup. Now I have to go the police station and look at mugshots.

Today everyone wants instant gratification, no matter how long it takes.

I wonder if Harvard is angry it doesn't have a comma named after it?

"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

Apparently I've been doing this "coffee" thing wrong. It wakes you up way faster if you accidentally knock it over into your lap.