Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

When a cashier told me, "Strip down, facing me." How was I supposed to know she meant my credit card?

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Do you know why we don't eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

I don't know if my pants are feeling loose because I'm losing weight or the elastic is finally giving up the fight.

Do you know the worst part about books on rock climbing? Too many cliffhangers

If I see one more person texting while driving, I am going to roll down my window and throw my beer at them.