Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I was pulled over this morning, and the cop asked if I had a police record. I said no, but I have a Sting CD.

Cops just left. They said if I am going to walk around my house naked, I am going have to do it inside.

My boss said "You are late to work for the third time this week. Do you know what that means?" "It's Wednesday?", I replied.

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."

Police have arrested the world tongue twister champion.
I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.