Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Sometimes I go hours without drinking coffee. It's called sleeping.

My brain: Go to sleep. Also my brain: Remember that thing from 8 years ago? Let's think about it for 3 hours.

Brain: I can see you’re trying to sleep. Can I offer a selection of your worst memories?

I hate when homeless people shake their cup of coins at me. It's like yeah, I know you have more money than me — no need to rub it in.

I finally realized I'm a morning person. I love mornings. 11 a.m. is my favorite.

I wonder if Vanna ever fell asleep at the wheel