Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I want to be a doctor, but I don't have enough patience.

If you're ever feeling down, just remember..
you're closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos is.

Rainbows aren't very heavy. In fact they're pretty light.

I read about 12 books a year on the toilet. That's how I became an expert on toilets.

I invented a new mind-reading device for predicting smells. It makes scents when you think about it.

A big shout-out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money!

I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.

I renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says "The Titanic is syncing."

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.