Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I changed my bathroom's name to "The Jim" so I can tell everyone I go to the gym every morning.

Everybody steals posts. It's Facebook. What are you going to do, file a missing status report?

When they call my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.

I respect the opinion of everyone who agrees with me.

Everyone has the right to be dumb. Some people abuse that privilege.

In a world full of bagels, you're a doughnut.