Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Remember -- it may be illegal to text and drive... but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50 km/h.

"Lazy" is such a strong word. I prefer to call it 'selective participation.'

I'm not antisocial, I'm just selectively social.

Brain: I can see you’re trying to sleep. Can I offer a selection of your worst memories?

I hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only #1, 3, 5, 7 & 9 were done. Turns out he only does odd jobs.

I don't care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.