Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I hate when homeless people shake their cup of coins at me. It's like yeah, I know you have more money than me — no need to rub it in.

I don't need Google, my wife knows everything.

I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me vacation ads.

I don't need Google. My wife knows everything.

Caller ID isn't enough for me. I need to know why you're calling.

Advice needs a good listener.