Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I really want to start a new diet, but I've got too much on my plate right now.

Instead of calling it a "to do" list I've started writing "side quests" at the top to make it seem more fun.

After 20 minutes of being ignored, it's amazing how fast Home Depot employees show up when you try to start a chainsaw.

Soon airlines will start charging for emotional baggage.

Starting a page called Older Fans, where I tell everyone what hurts today and what small task I was doing that caused the pain.

It's September. Time to pick out a Halloween costume and start your Christmas shopping. Happy New Year, everybody.