Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

If you see me talking to myself, I'm having a staff meeting.

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant because I believe in myself.

A clean house is a sign of a wasted life. At least, that's what I tell myself.

I always second guess myself at a checkout line when the cashier asks "did you find everything?". Why are you hiding stuff?

Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I'm a valued customer at several grocery stores.

I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.