Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I went to get acupuncture the other day, and when I got home my voodoo doll was dead.

I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It's dead yarn now, though.

When I was skinnier, I had a shirt that said I could talk to dead people. I can't wear it anymore because I'm no longer a medium.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Only dead fish go with the flow.

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.