Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Did you hear about the auto body shop that just opened? It comes highly wreck-a-mended.

Apparently I've been doing this "coffee" thing wrong. It wakes you up way faster if you accidentally knock it over into your lap.

I'm not lazy. I'm just highly motivated to do nothing.

My masseuse rubs me the wrong way, but my chiropractor cracks me up.

I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

Me: I finally got 8 hours of sleep.
Neck: Yeah, but you did it wrong.