Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I'm a valued customer at several grocery stores.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I know I don't have to be sarcastic, but the world has given me so much material to work with. I would hate to be wasteful.

Police have arrested the world tongue twister champion.
I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

You know what seems odd to me? Numbers that are not divisible by two.

I was going to take over the world this morning, but I overslept.