Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Strange new trend at the office. People are putting names on food in the fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda.

I wonder if Harvard is angry it doesn't have a comma named after it?

Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn't.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, and if that doesn't work out, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.

I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.